High Plains Sushi (a dizain)

 

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High Plains Sushi

this bar is insured by Smith and Wesson
according to the sign upon the wall
Charlie studies his empty beer glass and
time, his old enemy, slows to a crawl,
there’s a Tuesday night two for one special
out at Wanda’s Ranch, but that’s not what he
needs, or wants – he craves that high plains sushi,
tuna, wasabi, sake in a cup
he sits five thousand feet above the sea
and he just can’t….he just can’t get enough.

This poem was culled from  another song lyric/ poem, the original can be found here.

The form used is a dizain, 10 lines , 10 syllables per line, rhyme scheme..ababbccdcd…and I don’t mind saying…I think I strained something trying to conform to it.

For a more detailed discussion of the form, see Rosemary Nissen-Wade’s excellent post over at dVerse.

 

12 thoughts on “High Plains Sushi (a dizain)

  1. Rosemary Nissen-Wade

    This is so good! I love the tone, and the brilliantly unusual half-rhymes. As Frank notes, the repetitive hiccup in the last line works too. One tiny quibble – I’d prefer ‘two-for-one’ hyphenated because it has an adjectival role here – but many people would probably consider that old-fashioned of me. I just think that it would make the rhythm work even better – but it’s a subtle point, and the way you have it is not ‘wrong’.
    I enjoyed the original as well, and I do miss Audrey and the two guys from the goldmine in this version. But I see that you couldn’t have fitted them in. On the whole, I think this tighter form suits your subject matter and tone even better.

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    1. sdtp33 Post author

      Thank you Rosemary both for introducing me to this form and for your close reading of the poem. I take your point about the hyphens! It was more difficult than I thought disassembling the rhythm of the original poem but it was fun! JIM

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  2. msjadeli

    Your title makes me laugh. I like the whole atmosphere you’ve pulled together here, and as a person who loves to eat and knows where my favorites are at I can relate at that level as well.

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  3. Pingback: Deep Fried Road Kill ( the sequel to High Plains Sushi) | Stopdraggingthepanda

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