Category Archives: satire

Issue 19 Vapid Magazine (The Royal Edition)

Issue 19 Vapid Magazine (The Royal Edition)

Royal Watch

In this issue, our resident royal watcher, Georgina Shallowglass talks about the moment when she realized that corgis are real dogs.
She also reports on the launch of Vapid’s new clothing line, DowdyThreads.
Yes, now you too can relax like the Royals in our comfortable tweed skirts, twin sets and for those cooler evenings, wooly cardigans.
All our tweed skirts have been pre-stressed by English ladies of a settled disposition. All garments have been treated with our trademark fabric conditioner, DampFug, which creates an odor which can otherwise only be attained by spending time in a draughty castle.
Georgina reports that, all things considered, the launch went well, although the corgis just would not keep their masks on and in retrospect she should have walked them before the event.

The Crown

Jonathan Shallowpit has been re-instated (it’s hard to find people to work for the wages we pay) and is taking over as movie and television critic while Georgina is on royal duties. He has written a poem about the Netflix series, The Crown. Here’s the first verse:

I’m watching The Crown on Netflix
man, those royals are emotionally stunted
all the men are pompous pricks
the women can only relate to horses.

Steady there, Jonathan!

He also poses the question: Is Wolf Blitzer a robot?
Jonathan has observed that Wolf’s expression hasn’t changed in four years.

Travel

We are worried about our travel correspondent, Perry Patetic. We hadn’t heard from him in six months but just recently we got this cryptic dispatch:

I’ve been to Elo
I’ve been to Elko
What a difference
a K makes.

In Perry’s absence, Jordan Shallowditch has taken over travel duties and provides a number of useful tips for those who miss airplane food on where to find salted pretzels and chocolate puddings.

All this and more in Issue 19 of Vapid Magazine where shallow runs deep!

Issue #17 Vapid Magazine

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Issue #17 Vapid Magazine

In Issue #17, coming to a newsstand nowhere near you, we discuss..

The environment, it’s everywhere

Our environment correspondent, Jordan Shallowditch, is away on vacation so our celebrity watcher and gossip columnist, Simon Shallowpond is picking up the slack, he offers this twitter friendly poem:

 

Plastics? What Plastics?

no need to fret
no need to fuss
all is well
‘cos Kristen Bell’s
got a bamboo toothbrush.

Well done, Simon!

The Oscars

Our movie critic, Georgina Shallowglass, discusses the Oscars and asks the question:
Why would anyone divorce Adam Driver?

Plus, she describes that epiphanic, that life-altering moment when she realised that Jane Austen didn’t write Little Women (it was those American accents).

Politics

It’s been a busy year so far in politics and our political correspondent, Jonathan Shallowpit, asks the controversial question:
Did the founding fathers fuck it up?

..and if not, how come the semi-literate son of a billionaire, with bad hair and a genius for marketing dumb ideas could destroy the whole shebang , the whole house of cards by simply saying :” Nah, I’m not going to do that”.

Footnote

Jonathan, I’m afraid, will be leaving Vapid Magazine. A number of his co-workers have complained that he is making them think too much, resulting in headaches and a toxic working environment.

Vapid Magazine, home of all things vapid!

 

Participating in Open Link Night over at dverse , check them out!

Issue #15 Vapid Magazine (where shallow runs deep)

Pigments (2)

In this issue:

Our film critic reviews the latest summer blockbuster, “Planet of the Buffoons” , starring Boris (Bozo Bear) Johnson and Donald (Agent Orange) Trump and featuring Vladimir Putin as The Wily Sidekick. 

 

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In our Business Section:

The value of  intelligence, logic and compassion continues to drop on the HTSE ( Human Traits Stock Exchange), while greed and self- interest continue their meteoric rise. Regular readers of this magazine will be happy to hear that vapidity continues to be a solid earner and an essential component of any balanced portfolio.

 

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Speaking of the Environment:

We examine a theory popular among members of the Republican Party, and anyone connected to the oil industry, that when the polar ice caps melt, polar bears will be able to survive on an almost infinite supply of the polar berries that will thrive on the newly exposed land. This new diet will actually be healthier than their previous protein based diet. 

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Vapid Magazine – where shallow runs deep.

 

 

 

 

 

Issue #13, Vapid Magazine

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Issue #13 of Vapid Magazine will be out next week

In this issue:

Kellyanne Conway reveals how she cured her husband’s insomnia!

Melania Trump wonders out loud if there is anything in the constitution that says the White House has to be white (she’s thinking pink stucco!).

Rudy Giuliani denies that the White House is white.

Robert Mueller shares his barbecue sauce recipe (un-redacted) and talks about retiring and opening a funeral parlour

In an exclusive interview Mrs Mueller talks about life with Bob (quote: “You’re disappointed! Let me tell you about disappointment”).

Plus….we ask the question: are algorithms ruling our lives? And fail to answer it, because we have no idea what an algorithm is.

In our How To feature, Jared Kushner demonstrates how to enter a house through the clothes dryer vent. Well done, Jared!

And finally in our health section, we ask:
Is your skin getting thinner? Do you wake up in the morning and feel offended before you get out of bed?
Are you at the point where apologies just don’t do it anymore?
Ten easy to follow tips to help you thicken that epidermis (the French word for skin)!

Vapid Magazine…home of all things vapid!