Issue 19 Vapid Magazine (The Royal Edition)
Royal Watch
In this issue, our resident royal watcher, Georgina Shallowglass talks about the moment when she realized that corgis are real dogs.
She also reports on the launch of Vapid’s new clothing line, DowdyThreads.
Yes, now you too can relax like the Royals in our comfortable tweed skirts, twin sets and for those cooler evenings, wooly cardigans.
All our tweed skirts have been pre-stressed by English ladies of a settled disposition. All garments have been treated with our trademark fabric conditioner, DampFug, which creates an odor which can otherwise only be attained by spending time in a draughty castle.
Georgina reports that, all things considered, the launch went well, although the corgis just would not keep their masks on and in retrospect she should have walked them before the event.
The Crown
Jonathan Shallowpit has been re-instated (it’s hard to find people to work for the wages we pay) and is taking over as movie and television critic while Georgina is on royal duties. He has written a poem about the Netflix series, The Crown. Here’s the first verse:
I’m watching The Crown on Netflix
man, those royals are emotionally stunted
all the men are pompous pricks
the women can only relate to horses.
Steady there, Jonathan!
He also poses the question: Is Wolf Blitzer a robot?
Jonathan has observed that Wolf’s expression hasn’t changed in four years.
Travel
We are worried about our travel correspondent, Perry Patetic. We hadn’t heard from him in six months but just recently we got this cryptic dispatch:
I’ve been to Elo
I’ve been to Elko
What a difference
a K makes.
In Perry’s absence, Jordan Shallowditch has taken over travel duties and provides a number of useful tips for those who miss airplane food on where to find salted pretzels and chocolate puddings.
All this and more in Issue 19 of Vapid Magazine where shallow runs deep!
‘All our tweed skirts have been pre-stressed by English ladies of a settled disposition.’ 😂 sign me up for a year’s subscription please.
– Mrs I. Wannalookcultured
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On its way, Mrs W!
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It is a strange obsession. (K)
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yep, being Irish I never quite understood it!
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The American obsession seems particularly hard to understand. All my fellow citizens always screaming about freedom. Perhaps it’s the hunting and the guns.
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Love the way you write sir!
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Thank you!
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Is there a DowdyThreads range for men? Pre-stressed and DampFugged would, I assume, be a given.
I see you’ve already shipped Mrs W’s order. You sound very organised. She will no doubt sing me your praises when we next meet.
Yours
Mr I. Wannalookcultured II (not related to Mrs I. Wannalookcultured, but we have met over tea and bikkies.)
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Dear Vapid CEO
Thankyou for your rapid noting of my query about a men’s range of DowdyThreads, I notice my (tea and bikkie) friend Mrs I. Wannalookcultured’s order was shipped on the 7th December (excellent service Vapid) . I’m am very hopeful you do have a men’s range as am meeting my friend for Christmas and a matching ‘DowdyThreads meet-up’ would be nice. If time is of the essence (I know the DT factory would be flat-out this time of year) I don’t mind not getting them minus pre-stressed.
Yours in waiting
Mr I. Wannalookcultured II
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Yes, DowdyThreads does have a range of men’s products. I highly recommend our line of men’s ties, they come pre-stained and there is a wide selection of stains. ‘Egg’ is by far our most popular.
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Thankyou for getting back so quickly (in this your busiest time of year). This makes a good impression on potential customers. Unlike some tradies who never bother to return your calls. No doubt you’ve met some.
Now to your DowdyThreads range. I like the idea of these ties. I’m not sure the ‘Egg’ one would go down well with my friend Mrs I. Wannalookcultured though. We both wanna look cultured and am not sure looking eggy quite hits the mark, wouldn’t you agree?
You say you make pre-stained ties? Do you you do pre-stained glass one? That would be very cultured.
Do you do an online catalogue? I could show my tie-desires here but I believe you need a plugin to accomplish this. Not to worry. I’ll just ask Mrs I Wannalookcultured what would please her. Women know best
Yours
Mr I. Wannalookcultured II (or I. Wannalookculturedalso….if you like)
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Dear Vapid
Mrs I. Wannalookcultured (aka Ingrid) tells me she has received her tweed skirts and is very happy (see request above) She particularly likes the egg-stained one. You gotta winner there.
We at FCS have a problem . Do you have a range of DowdyThreads for my kangaroo drinking buddy Skip ? (bio link hopefully works) An odd ask yes. Let me explain
https://donmatthewspoetry.com/2020/05/17/me-mate-skip/
Ingrid has established a Poetry Hall of Fame into which Skip and I are to be inducted. Skip needs to dress up for the occasion. A DowdyThreads outfit would seem perfect . Ingrid and Skip are great friends. She told me ‘I’d love to see Skip in his best suit and tie!. Not wishing to let Ingrid and Skip down are you able to help? I think we can count the egg-stained tie out
Yours
Skip and me
Inductees in waiting
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Sorry for the delay in replying we were working on your request for a stained glass tie, our glass blowers are having difficulty with the Windsor knot. We suggest for your induction that you wear something from our collection of Poet’s scarves, they are woolen, grey and must be tied loosely around the neck. They come in two styles – bread crumb-encrusted or soup- stained, minestrone is our biggest seller.
Kind Regards
Vapid
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Sorry I forgot to put my reply to your reply as a reply to you. … So my reply is a separate reply underneath here…..simple
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Thankyou for your efforts with the stained glass tie. I didn’t think of the difficulties involved here. The Poet’s scarves sound attractive, but grey sounds a bit dull don’t you think? I will admit though the two styles are imaginative. I deduce that minestrone must be the in soup for poets. Interesting……
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