Fortunate Son (Creedence and Donald T)
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Category Archives: satire
Trump Bans Canadian Birds From Migrating Through American Airspace!
If you’re reading this message I recommend you join TOT, Turn Off Trump. You’ll find that both your mental health and your relationship with the truth will vastly improve (clinical studies have shown).
The Editor, Vapid Magazine.
Murder at the Plant Sale
Murder at the Plant Sale
The trestle tables covered with plastic table cloths from last year
are fully loaded with potted plants
the coffee is brewing
the kettle is boiling
there is hustle and there is bustle ….
the annual plant sale is about to begin.
And unbeknownst to the organizers
some of whom are wearing rain coats that even Vera would have thrown out,
unbeknownst to the organizers
beneath one of those trestle tables
covered by a tarp and a pile of those black trays used for carrying plant pots
lies the body of a local man called Jeff
seeds already germinating in that gash on his neck.
People will later talk of a heated argument the night before
between Jeff and a member of the committee
something to do with the best time to plant grass
but now he lies unnoticed and the plant sale is in full swing
speaking of Vera…
Doris, the local detective
who watches way too much British crime drama
and who styles herself on Vera
right down to the tatty rain coat and the old jalopy,
receives a tip from an anonymous caller,
something to do with a body at the plant sale.
She arrives when the sale is still in full swing
and the crime scene is beyond contaminated.
“Who’s in charge here?” says Doris.
A burly woman in a tatty raincoat steps forward and says:
“I’m Joan and I’m in charge and you’re on teas,
remember to put the milk in first
or you’ll crack the china”
Doris shows her badge and Joan snorts:
” No discounts, badge or no badge
and it’s cash only.
Also, we have no butter
so tell them they don’t need butter on the scones.”
And Doris thinks:
“This one could take more than one episode to solve.”
Then there’s a milk-curdling scream,
someone has looked under the tarp for more black plastic trays.
The theme music starts…..
Taking part in OpenLink over at dverse.
The Exclusivity of Space (Redux)
The Exclusivity of Space
consider the object
consider the space
consider the objects
excluded from the space
ask the question:
is the object occupying the space
worthy of the space
or is the object
a waste of space?
consider the material
forming the space
journey to its origins
in a plantation somewhere
British Columbia, perhaps,
or Brazil
see the tree felled,
shorn of its branches,
loaded on a flatbed truck
with its passive companions
follow the truck
to a paper mill
the size of a small city
see the tree chipped, pulped, processed
see the gases escaping to atmosphere
hear the outfall roar into the river
ask the questions:
are we here to consume?
can we be consumed by consumption?
see the worker arriving home from the mill
to food on the table
a roof above his head
ask the question:
is there only one answer to a question?
return to the space
consider the object.
Issue #21 Vapid Magazine (Where Shallow Runs Deep)
Yes, Vapid Magazine is back after a long hiatus (I had to look that up). These are vapid times and when the going gets vapid, the vapid get going! Here are some of the highlights from Issue #21.
Is Bot-ulism the end of AI?
Our tech correspondent , Jordan Shallowbyte discusses reports from China about outbreaks of bot-ulism in the robot population. Apparently robot paralysis is rampant. Yes, those robots are in a spot of bot-her. Local scientists are trying to get to the bot-tom of it. They think it may be linked to the ingestion of raw data.
In other tech news, Jordan asks: Are you a victim of Alcorithms ? There are rumors that there are rogue algorithms out there behaving like they have had a few pints over the limit. Yes, if Beethoven starts turning up on your country playlist it may be the work of one of those darn Alcorithms.
In Arts and Entertainment, the indefatigable Georgina Shallowglass asks:
Is Paw Patrol sponsored by the Fossil Fuel Industry?
Think about it, says Georgina, have you ever seen those pups take public transport? Have you ever seen them on a bike? No. Why? Because they each have their own personal motorized vehicle.
Skye has a helicopter for chrissakes.
No vehicle too big no pup too small ! Those pups rev like a canine biker gang. Yep, it’s a cartoon with a big carbon paw print. But help is on the way, Georgina reports that Netflix now offers carbon credits. You can offset that paw print by watching Peppa Pig .
In other entertainment news, Georgina reviews a new French cartoon about a dog called Prenez Le Piss. Prenez leads us on a tour of the lamp posts of Paris, one lamp post per episode. Apparently it’s a leg-raising experience!
Fascinating stuff, Georgina!
And lastly , Charlotte Shallowtrench, our Health and Fitness correspondent and self-styled Influencer Under the Influence discusses the OH Wellness movement. Apparently more and more people are waking up in the morning, looking in the mirror and saying: “Oh well, fuck all I can do about that” and just getting on with their day.
Also Charlotte asks: Are yoga teachers getting too preachy? Give me Downward Dog, she says, and less of that Downward Dogma!
Vapid Magazine: Home of all things Vapid!
For Vapid Magazine submission guidelines click here.
Agent Orange Returns
Agent Orange Returns
Who would have thought it?
Trumpty is back on the wall
Ron de Santis is lost like Atlantis
and the others have no chance at all.
There will be no succession.
No, he’s not Logan Roy.
He’s Agent Orange, he’s Teflon Don
he’s the one and only Slogan Boy.
And there’ll be no tremblin’ in the Kremlin
when Donald takes control
and the Grand Old Party re-discovers
its Magaleptic soul.
The theme over at Desperate Poets is satire.
Is it Time to put Woke the Word to Bed ?
Is it Time to put Woke the Word to Bed ?
I have a conservative friend who, lately, has started to use Woke the Word a lot.
Every time he uses it, he wags his fingers above his head to indicate inverted commas. Sometimes he’ll give me a conspiratorial wink.
The wink confuses me. What are we conspiring about? And the air quotes, who is he quoting? Or do they mean “so-called”, as in my boss asked me to take my laptop with me on my “vacation”.
I asked him what he meant by “woke” and he was flummoxed. He mumbled something about pronouns, cancel culture, activists, political correctness. I explained to him that it was African-American slang for being alert to signs of racism, it came out of the Black Lives Matter movement and that being anti-woke technically means that one thinks one should not be alert to signs of racist behavior.
This did not help.
He had the notion that the woke crowd had it in for him in some way. When asked who the woke crowd are, again confusion….the left, activists, progressives…who knows. So I ask is all activism bad, is progress bad, no that’s not what he means.
I think what he means is that the world is changing in a way that threatens him, the old assumptions do not stand. The arbitrary superior status he assumes because he’s an educated, upper middle class white male is no longer automatically acknowledged, taken as read.
And it’s that woke crowd who are doing it to him.
As history tells us …when a word or phrase is coopted by conservative white males, well that word is no longer groovy, far out, outta sight, cool ,hip; particularly when they think they are the first to discover it.
Air quotes… for fuck sake….
Yes it is time to put Woke The Word to bed.
The Exclusivity of Space
The Exclusivity of Space
consider the object
consider the space
consider the objects
excluded from the space
ask the question:
is the object occupying the space
worthy of the space
or is the object
a waste of space?
consider the material
forming the space
journey to its origins
in a plantation somewhere
British Columbia, perhaps,
or Brazil
see the tree felled,
shorn of its branches,
loaded on a flatbed truck
with its passive companions
follow the truck
to a paper mill
the size of a small city
see the tree chipped, pulped, processed
see the gases escaping to atmosphere
hear the outfall roar into the river
ask the questions:
are we here to consume?
can we be consumed by consumption?
see the worker arriving home from the mill
to food on the table
a roof above his head
ask the question:
is there only one answer to a question?
return to the space
consider the object.
Taking part in open link over at earthweal
Issue 19 Vapid Magazine (The Royal Edition)
Issue 19 Vapid Magazine (The Royal Edition)
Royal Watch
In this issue, our resident royal watcher, Georgina Shallowglass talks about the moment when she realized that corgis are real dogs.
She also reports on the launch of Vapid’s new clothing line, DowdyThreads.
Yes, now you too can relax like the Royals in our comfortable tweed skirts, twin sets and for those cooler evenings, wooly cardigans.
All our tweed skirts have been pre-stressed by English ladies of a settled disposition. All garments have been treated with our trademark fabric conditioner, DampFug, which creates an odor which can otherwise only be attained by spending time in a draughty castle.
Georgina reports that, all things considered, the launch went well, although the corgis just would not keep their masks on and in retrospect she should have walked them before the event.
The Crown
Jonathan Shallowpit has been re-instated (it’s hard to find people to work for the wages we pay) and is taking over as movie and television critic while Georgina is on royal duties. He has written a poem about the Netflix series, The Crown. Here’s the first verse:
I’m watching The Crown on Netflix
man, those royals are emotionally stunted
all the men are pompous pricks
the women can only relate to horses.
Steady there, Jonathan!
He also poses the question: Is Wolf Blitzer a robot?
Jonathan has observed that Wolf’s expression hasn’t changed in four years.
Travel
We are worried about our travel correspondent, Perry Patetic. We hadn’t heard from him in six months but just recently we got this cryptic dispatch:
I’ve been to Elo
I’ve been to Elko
What a difference
a K makes.
In Perry’s absence, Jordan Shallowditch has taken over travel duties and provides a number of useful tips for those who miss airplane food on where to find salted pretzels and chocolate puddings.
All this and more in Issue 19 of Vapid Magazine where shallow runs deep!
The Town Of High Dudgeon Part 2
The Town Of High Dudgeon Part 2
He was a contrarian curmudgeon
from the town of High Dudgeon
an ersatz Hitchens
a Jordan Peterson lite
no god, no religion
a sower of division
but sometimes, yes, sometimes
he got things right.
Taking part in Open Link Night over at dverse.
Issue #17 Vapid Magazine
Issue #17 Vapid Magazine
In Issue #17, coming to a newsstand nowhere near you, we discuss..
The environment, it’s everywhere
Our environment correspondent, Jordan Shallowditch, is away on vacation so our celebrity watcher and gossip columnist, Simon Shallowpond is picking up the slack, he offers this twitter friendly poem:
Plastics? What Plastics?
no need to fret
no need to fuss
all is well
‘cos Kristen Bell’s
got a bamboo toothbrush.
Well done, Simon!
The Oscars
Our movie critic, Georgina Shallowglass, discusses the Oscars and asks the question:
Why would anyone divorce Adam Driver?
Plus, she describes that epiphanic, that life-altering moment when she realised that Jane Austen didn’t write Little Women (it was those American accents).
Politics
It’s been a busy year so far in politics and our political correspondent, Jonathan Shallowpit, asks the controversial question:
Did the founding fathers fuck it up?
..and if not, how come the semi-literate son of a billionaire, with bad hair and a genius for marketing dumb ideas could destroy the whole shebang , the whole house of cards by simply saying :” Nah, I’m not going to do that”.
Footnote
Jonathan, I’m afraid, will be leaving Vapid Magazine. A number of his co-workers have complained that he is making them think too much, resulting in headaches and a toxic working environment.
Vapid Magazine, home of all things vapid!
Participating in Open Link Night over at dverse , check them out!
Issue #15 Vapid Magazine (where shallow runs deep)
In this issue:
Our film critic reviews the latest summer blockbuster, “Planet of the Buffoons” , starring Boris (Bozo Bear) Johnson and Donald (Agent Orange) Trump and featuring Vladimir Putin as The Wily Sidekick.
In our Business Section:
The value of intelligence, logic and compassion continues to drop on the HTSE ( Human Traits Stock Exchange), while greed and self- interest continue their meteoric rise. Regular readers of this magazine will be happy to hear that vapidity continues to be a solid earner and an essential component of any balanced portfolio.
Speaking of the Environment:
We examine a theory popular among members of the Republican Party, and anyone connected to the oil industry, that when the polar ice caps melt, polar bears will be able to survive on an almost infinite supply of the polar berries that will thrive on the newly exposed land. This new diet will actually be healthier than their previous protein based diet.
*******
Vapid Magazine – where shallow runs deep.
Issue #13, Vapid Magazine
Issue #13 of Vapid Magazine will be out next week
In this issue:
Kellyanne Conway reveals how she cured her husband’s insomnia!
Melania Trump wonders out loud if there is anything in the constitution that says the White House has to be white (she’s thinking pink stucco!).
Rudy Giuliani denies that the White House is white.
Robert Mueller shares his barbecue sauce recipe (un-redacted) and talks about retiring and opening a funeral parlour
In an exclusive interview Mrs Mueller talks about life with Bob (quote: “You’re disappointed! Let me tell you about disappointment”).
Plus….we ask the question: are algorithms ruling our lives? And fail to answer it, because we have no idea what an algorithm is.
In our How To feature, Jared Kushner demonstrates how to enter a house through the clothes dryer vent. Well done, Jared!
And finally in our health section, we ask:
Is your skin getting thinner? Do you wake up in the morning and feel offended before you get out of bed?
Are you at the point where apologies just don’t do it anymore?
Ten easy to follow tips to help you thicken that epidermis (the French word for skin)!
Vapid Magazine…home of all things vapid!
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